Dear Qi,
I have a crush on a woman at my firm. I see her at company functions and I just love the way she carries herself. Last week I bumped into her as I was leaving the office building, so I introduced myself. We chatted a while and then she offered to have dinner with me the next time she’s in my neighborhood. Later, over email, we agreed on a day to meet up. Everything was lined up for a great first date, but by afternoon of that day I still hadn’t heard from her about what time she can meet for dinner. I emailed her (we’re both Blackberry addicts) and got this reply, “I’m having girl tummy issues, if that makes any sense. Not pregnant, quite the opposite of pregnant, but in pain. I can’t make dinner, so sorry about this. Let’s talk soon when I can think straight.” What the heck is going on? Is she blowing me off with a ridiculous excuse? Is this too much info to divulge before we even share a dessert? If we end up dating is she going to call me in the middle of the workday to cry over a broken fingernail?
Signed,
Some Discretion Please!
—————————————————————————
Dear Discretion,
A woman’s ability to withstand pain is unfathomable to a man. It’s built up through years of monthly suffering, culminating in a few extremely traumatic events (read: childbirth). The point of telling you this isn’t to make you cringe, it’s to say that, as bizarre as her excuse may seem, it’s plausibly true. I’ve seen grown women shed tears during their PMS cramps. If your lady’s got it bad, it’s the kind of thing that she can miss executive board meetings for. The very fact that she shared such private information with you makes me think that she didn’t make this up. If she wanted to blow you off, what’s wrong with a simple, “I’m coming down with the flu” or “My dog is throwing up”? So that brings you to, what’s up with the TMI? Different strokes for different folks. Some girls are Discrete Debbies and won’t even acknowledge that they ever do the #2 to their boyfriends. Others will burp and make jokes about passing gas (or even pass gas!) after a few dates. It all depends on what you both are comfortable with. Give it a chance. Reschedule your date and see if she really is Miss TMI or if that was just a blunder made under duress. If the latter, stock up on Tylenol for future dates!
Cheers,
Qi
Showing posts with label Dear Qi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear Qi. Show all posts
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Dear Qi: Double Dating Disaster
Dear Qi,
I recently went to church for the first time and had to fend off all the church girls that were hitting on me! So, I picked my two favorite candidates and went on two dates this past weekend. I have a packed schedule so I arranged to meet Date #1 at 1pm and the next at 2pm, both at Starbucks in Sanlitun. The first date went well, but the second date didn’t happen. You see, at 2pm sharp, the two ladies bumped into each other, started arguing, and eventually left in separate directions, leaving me to drink my coffee alone. Did I do something wrong and how do I patch things up? Should I take them both out for dinner? Do you think I should go to church again?
Signed,
Dating Disastrously
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Dear Dating Disastrously,
Tis’ true then, that church is the new club! To make a long answer short: yes, you did do something wrong. Several things, in fact. There’s nothing wrong with a little “comparison shopping”, but poor logistical planning is what landed you in the middle of this church catfight. (FYI, you should be glad that the ladies argued with each other and left you to your coffee… it could easily have been a hot cup of cappuccino in your lap). Cardinal Rule: don’t pluck two roses from the same garden. That is, don’t simultaneously date more than one girl in a small group of friends, the same office space or sorority house, so on, so forth. These are recipes for hair pulling and nail scratching disaster. In your case, that means don’t play around where you pray. If you are going to break the Cardinal Rule, DO NOT schedule your dates in the same place, on the same day, an hour apart! And if you’ve blundered into doing all of the above, for St. Peter’s sake, at least watch the time! The best thing now is to apologize to each girl SEPARATELY and ask for a chance to make it up to her (in the singular, for neither one will let you off easy if she catches you two-timing again with the same girl). As for church, go back if you’re feeling spiritual, but stay out of the pews if all you want is to scope out the talent.
Best,
Qi
I recently went to church for the first time and had to fend off all the church girls that were hitting on me! So, I picked my two favorite candidates and went on two dates this past weekend. I have a packed schedule so I arranged to meet Date #1 at 1pm and the next at 2pm, both at Starbucks in Sanlitun. The first date went well, but the second date didn’t happen. You see, at 2pm sharp, the two ladies bumped into each other, started arguing, and eventually left in separate directions, leaving me to drink my coffee alone. Did I do something wrong and how do I patch things up? Should I take them both out for dinner? Do you think I should go to church again?
Signed,
Dating Disastrously
----------------------------------------------
Dear Dating Disastrously,
Tis’ true then, that church is the new club! To make a long answer short: yes, you did do something wrong. Several things, in fact. There’s nothing wrong with a little “comparison shopping”, but poor logistical planning is what landed you in the middle of this church catfight. (FYI, you should be glad that the ladies argued with each other and left you to your coffee… it could easily have been a hot cup of cappuccino in your lap). Cardinal Rule: don’t pluck two roses from the same garden. That is, don’t simultaneously date more than one girl in a small group of friends, the same office space or sorority house, so on, so forth. These are recipes for hair pulling and nail scratching disaster. In your case, that means don’t play around where you pray. If you are going to break the Cardinal Rule, DO NOT schedule your dates in the same place, on the same day, an hour apart! And if you’ve blundered into doing all of the above, for St. Peter’s sake, at least watch the time! The best thing now is to apologize to each girl SEPARATELY and ask for a chance to make it up to her (in the singular, for neither one will let you off easy if she catches you two-timing again with the same girl). As for church, go back if you’re feeling spiritual, but stay out of the pews if all you want is to scope out the talent.
Best,
Qi
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Dear Qi: Lost in Translation
Dear Qi,
Fate landed me in front of a new guy recently. (Well, technically he walked into my viewfinder when I was out photographing the city). He’s handsome, gentlemanly, and engaging. We’re both foreigners in the city (he’s a new arrival), so our dates have mostly been walks around random neighborhoods. I’m perfectly charmed in our short time together, but one thing worries me. Our only common language is Chinese. My Mandarin is decent for getting around, but not good enough to carry a conversation beyond food and shopping. My guy is a real newbie – he can barely ask for directions. For now, I’m enjoying our slow paced, light hearted fun, but I worry where this is all going. Can he really be my soul mate if 70% of our conversations are conducted in hand gesturing? Aren’t we going to run out of places to walk to in Beijing and need to sit down to talk about something substantive soon?
Signed,
Lost in Translation
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Dear Lost in Translation,
What a charming story about how to meet a guy! (All you single ladies out there take note – it’s time to buy a Nikon…or a dog). While you have reason to worry about what happens when you start feeling the urge to discuss the global equity market rebound and pandemic flu strains with your guy, think about the refreshing possibilities that your situation presents! Imagine how little room is left for fighting and frustration if you neither of you can say, “What’s that supposed to mean?” to the other. Or cutting out the awkwardness of the “Where do you see us going with this” chat. With talk (and nagging, and lying, and misunderstanding) out of the way, what you’re left with could be a simple and pure way to get to know each other. In this “less talk, more action” relationship, you can just do what makes you happy, whether it’s a walk in the park or a kiss under the stars, instead of getting caught up in words and second-guessing them. In the end, love is stronger than language and if you’re really into each other, you’ll find ways around the communication barrier. I know a couple that met on a European gap year trip when they were eighteen and are still happily married twenty years later. On their first date, he was two hours late because they hadn’t talked through the meeting details properly. Now, both are multilingual, having been motivated by love to learn the other’s native tongue. Your new guy could just be the key to improving your Chinese, and vice versa! Oh, and Beijing is big enough for you to take a lot more walks before you run out of trails to explore.
Best,
Qi
Fate landed me in front of a new guy recently. (Well, technically he walked into my viewfinder when I was out photographing the city). He’s handsome, gentlemanly, and engaging. We’re both foreigners in the city (he’s a new arrival), so our dates have mostly been walks around random neighborhoods. I’m perfectly charmed in our short time together, but one thing worries me. Our only common language is Chinese. My Mandarin is decent for getting around, but not good enough to carry a conversation beyond food and shopping. My guy is a real newbie – he can barely ask for directions. For now, I’m enjoying our slow paced, light hearted fun, but I worry where this is all going. Can he really be my soul mate if 70% of our conversations are conducted in hand gesturing? Aren’t we going to run out of places to walk to in Beijing and need to sit down to talk about something substantive soon?
Signed,
Lost in Translation
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lost in Translation,
What a charming story about how to meet a guy! (All you single ladies out there take note – it’s time to buy a Nikon…or a dog). While you have reason to worry about what happens when you start feeling the urge to discuss the global equity market rebound and pandemic flu strains with your guy, think about the refreshing possibilities that your situation presents! Imagine how little room is left for fighting and frustration if you neither of you can say, “What’s that supposed to mean?” to the other. Or cutting out the awkwardness of the “Where do you see us going with this” chat. With talk (and nagging, and lying, and misunderstanding) out of the way, what you’re left with could be a simple and pure way to get to know each other. In this “less talk, more action” relationship, you can just do what makes you happy, whether it’s a walk in the park or a kiss under the stars, instead of getting caught up in words and second-guessing them. In the end, love is stronger than language and if you’re really into each other, you’ll find ways around the communication barrier. I know a couple that met on a European gap year trip when they were eighteen and are still happily married twenty years later. On their first date, he was two hours late because they hadn’t talked through the meeting details properly. Now, both are multilingual, having been motivated by love to learn the other’s native tongue. Your new guy could just be the key to improving your Chinese, and vice versa! Oh, and Beijing is big enough for you to take a lot more walks before you run out of trails to explore.
Best,
Qi
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Dear Qi: What a Wonderful Life
Dear Qi,
I love my life. I'm doing work I'm passionate about. I have a supportive
family, wonderful friends, and compelling career options. Things were going so well that I didn't spend much time worrying about relationships. I assumed that the right guy would come along at the right time. Or would he? Six months ago, I met the perfect man. He’s charming, handsome, well-read, and successful. Despite the long distance, our relationship developed swimmingly, as we discovered we were both "dog people", had spent significant time in random graduate programs before returning to the sciences, and even enjoy reading aloud passages from the same novel. Just as I was beginning to see this man as marriage material, my wonderful life got in the way and took me abroad, where continuing the relationship was no longer an option. We vowed to stay friends and have stayed in touch, but I can feel we're drifting apart. A classic case of right guy, wrong time? Do I shrug and say, "Eh, what will be will be?" Or do I jump off the tracks and risk losing my perfect life for the perfect mate?
Signed,
It's A Wonderful Life
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Wonderful Life,
You hit the nail on the head -- right person, right time. It really can’t be any other way. Although this sounds like a tautological cop out for a self-anointed relationship advisor, I believe that when you’re ready, you’ll do the right thing. Mr. Right isn’t good enough, what you’re looking for is Mr. Right Enough who will make you feel that it’s worthwhile to do the things you’re not willing to do now (such as a compromise on your dream job location or taking on the inconveniences of a long distance relationship for the reward of being with him). What’s troubling you now is not so much the loss of a great potential life mate but the idea of it. Your life has gone so well that you’ve never second guessed your decisions. Now you wonder if you’re doing the wrong thing by pursuing your independent aspirations. You’re not. Your feelings are shared by your guy as you both agreed a long distance relationship is a bad idea. Neither one of you feels compelled enough to make sacrifices for the sake of staying together, nor even to ask the other to do so. Why tip the equilibrium now (where you’re both happily single and on good terms) out of fear for “missing out”? Aren’t you already living a happy life? It’s not so bad to stay in touch, even if you’re drifting, and see if the right time comes along for you two again in some other place. Meanwhile, keep living the wonderful life!
Best,
Qi
I love my life. I'm doing work I'm passionate about. I have a supportive
family, wonderful friends, and compelling career options. Things were going so well that I didn't spend much time worrying about relationships. I assumed that the right guy would come along at the right time. Or would he? Six months ago, I met the perfect man. He’s charming, handsome, well-read, and successful. Despite the long distance, our relationship developed swimmingly, as we discovered we were both "dog people", had spent significant time in random graduate programs before returning to the sciences, and even enjoy reading aloud passages from the same novel. Just as I was beginning to see this man as marriage material, my wonderful life got in the way and took me abroad, where continuing the relationship was no longer an option. We vowed to stay friends and have stayed in touch, but I can feel we're drifting apart. A classic case of right guy, wrong time? Do I shrug and say, "Eh, what will be will be?" Or do I jump off the tracks and risk losing my perfect life for the perfect mate?
Signed,
It's A Wonderful Life
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Wonderful Life,
You hit the nail on the head -- right person, right time. It really can’t be any other way. Although this sounds like a tautological cop out for a self-anointed relationship advisor, I believe that when you’re ready, you’ll do the right thing. Mr. Right isn’t good enough, what you’re looking for is Mr. Right Enough who will make you feel that it’s worthwhile to do the things you’re not willing to do now (such as a compromise on your dream job location or taking on the inconveniences of a long distance relationship for the reward of being with him). What’s troubling you now is not so much the loss of a great potential life mate but the idea of it. Your life has gone so well that you’ve never second guessed your decisions. Now you wonder if you’re doing the wrong thing by pursuing your independent aspirations. You’re not. Your feelings are shared by your guy as you both agreed a long distance relationship is a bad idea. Neither one of you feels compelled enough to make sacrifices for the sake of staying together, nor even to ask the other to do so. Why tip the equilibrium now (where you’re both happily single and on good terms) out of fear for “missing out”? Aren’t you already living a happy life? It’s not so bad to stay in touch, even if you’re drifting, and see if the right time comes along for you two again in some other place. Meanwhile, keep living the wonderful life!
Best,
Qi
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Dear Qi: A Hairy Problem
Dear Qi,
My boyfriend is a good looking guy – tall, blonde, green eyes, toned but not overly muscular. However, he has a hairy problem. He once said, “It’s like I have fur!” And it’s true. He doesn’t have an abnormal amount of arm and leg hair, but his entire front is covered in hair, and even a patch on his lower back (which he thought about shaving before a pool party one time)! He’s not quite ape man since there’s no hair on his upper back. The problem is his face -- he has the beginnings of a unibrow. He’s blond so it isn’t overly obvious…except to me. Early in our relationship he asked me if he should pluck, but as I was in the throes of new love, I told him I didn’t even notice it (which I meant). But now it’s all I can think about. How do I bring it up again without hurting his feelings?
Yours truly,
Dating Frida Kahlo
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Dear Dating Frida,
Monkeys pick ticks, horses mutually scratch, and birds smooth each other’s feathers to show affection, trust, and relieve stress. Everybody else is social grooming, why shouldn’t we? Turn the dicey unibrow problem into a bonding experience. Spend a lazy morning together in bed with coffee, newspapers, and…a handy pair of tweezers. Start by tweezing your arches then ask him, “Wanna help me out?” After he plays male chimp, playfully pin him down and say, “Now it’s my turn!” Or, surprise your guy with a day of pampering at the spa (if he goes to pool parties he cares about his appearance). Set him up with a MANicure and a massage, and while he’s down have the spa staff offer a pluck. He’ll just assume it was standard operating procedure. This gets around his hairy problem without making you the bad guy. Oh, and if there are other hairy situations with your man that you were too shy to bring up, I have two more words of advice – Boyzilian wax.
Cheers,
Qi
My boyfriend is a good looking guy – tall, blonde, green eyes, toned but not overly muscular. However, he has a hairy problem. He once said, “It’s like I have fur!” And it’s true. He doesn’t have an abnormal amount of arm and leg hair, but his entire front is covered in hair, and even a patch on his lower back (which he thought about shaving before a pool party one time)! He’s not quite ape man since there’s no hair on his upper back. The problem is his face -- he has the beginnings of a unibrow. He’s blond so it isn’t overly obvious…except to me. Early in our relationship he asked me if he should pluck, but as I was in the throes of new love, I told him I didn’t even notice it (which I meant). But now it’s all I can think about. How do I bring it up again without hurting his feelings?
Yours truly,
Dating Frida Kahlo
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dating Frida,
Monkeys pick ticks, horses mutually scratch, and birds smooth each other’s feathers to show affection, trust, and relieve stress. Everybody else is social grooming, why shouldn’t we? Turn the dicey unibrow problem into a bonding experience. Spend a lazy morning together in bed with coffee, newspapers, and…a handy pair of tweezers. Start by tweezing your arches then ask him, “Wanna help me out?” After he plays male chimp, playfully pin him down and say, “Now it’s my turn!” Or, surprise your guy with a day of pampering at the spa (if he goes to pool parties he cares about his appearance). Set him up with a MANicure and a massage, and while he’s down have the spa staff offer a pluck. He’ll just assume it was standard operating procedure. This gets around his hairy problem without making you the bad guy. Oh, and if there are other hairy situations with your man that you were too shy to bring up, I have two more words of advice – Boyzilian wax.
Cheers,
Qi
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Dear Qi: The Pre-Baby Blues
Dear Qi,
I have a wonderful husband and I’m six months pregnant with our first child. Our life is the very picture of connubial bliss…except for a latent culture clash that is coming to the surface as I get closer to my delivery date. I am Chinese and my other half is of Western descent. His mother wants to come and take care of me through my post-birthing weeks. The idea of nursing a newborn while trying to please my mother-in-law (she’s nice but also set in her sometimes demanding ways), eating her (Western) food instead of the soothing soupy fare that Chinese serve their daughters post partum is terrifying. I want to be taken care of by my own mother at this crucial time. What should I do? Sacrifice my own wants for the greater familial good? Or be demanding and straightforward? Please help!
Signed,
Nervous Mother-To-Be
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Nervous Mother,
Congratulations on your upcoming parcel from the stork! This is a wonderful time and a scary time for any couple, much less a cross-cultural one. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter for work or school? Imagine doing that for four months straight while putting on a happy face for the mother-in-law. Maybe nursing a newborn will be marginally better than staying up for work because you’ll be getting sleep in two-hour increments…very marginally. So, better diffuse this time bomb now instead of waiting for things to blow up when you and your husband are both panda-eyed and covered in baby gurgle. (A blow up under new baby stress is almost 99.9% guaranteed). Any daughter- and mother-in-law will have their differences -- physical duress will only amplify the cultural issues. Tell your husband you appreciate his mother’s thoughtful offer, but that you’d be much more comfortable (and likeable) if fed a diet of your mom’s home cooking. Propose an alternative to make up for his mother missing out on bonding time with the baby, perhaps Thanksgiving at his house, or taking a post-baby holiday together during the first year. You’re not being demanding, just practical. If your husband is as wonderful as you say, he will understand.
Cheers,
Qi
I have a wonderful husband and I’m six months pregnant with our first child. Our life is the very picture of connubial bliss…except for a latent culture clash that is coming to the surface as I get closer to my delivery date. I am Chinese and my other half is of Western descent. His mother wants to come and take care of me through my post-birthing weeks. The idea of nursing a newborn while trying to please my mother-in-law (she’s nice but also set in her sometimes demanding ways), eating her (Western) food instead of the soothing soupy fare that Chinese serve their daughters post partum is terrifying. I want to be taken care of by my own mother at this crucial time. What should I do? Sacrifice my own wants for the greater familial good? Or be demanding and straightforward? Please help!
Signed,
Nervous Mother-To-Be
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Nervous Mother,
Congratulations on your upcoming parcel from the stork! This is a wonderful time and a scary time for any couple, much less a cross-cultural one. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter for work or school? Imagine doing that for four months straight while putting on a happy face for the mother-in-law. Maybe nursing a newborn will be marginally better than staying up for work because you’ll be getting sleep in two-hour increments…very marginally. So, better diffuse this time bomb now instead of waiting for things to blow up when you and your husband are both panda-eyed and covered in baby gurgle. (A blow up under new baby stress is almost 99.9% guaranteed). Any daughter- and mother-in-law will have their differences -- physical duress will only amplify the cultural issues. Tell your husband you appreciate his mother’s thoughtful offer, but that you’d be much more comfortable (and likeable) if fed a diet of your mom’s home cooking. Propose an alternative to make up for his mother missing out on bonding time with the baby, perhaps Thanksgiving at his house, or taking a post-baby holiday together during the first year. You’re not being demanding, just practical. If your husband is as wonderful as you say, he will understand.
Cheers,
Qi
Dear Qi: Bleeding Heart
Dear Qi,
I’m newly married and a new-age man. I’m a “house husband”, having left my job to join my wife in Beijing. This city was totally foreign to me but now I’m starting to appreciate the good things. Just as I’m settling in my wife wants to take time off from her job to pursue her “dream”, setting up an NGO to help rural poor Chinese. Her ambitions are admirable and I feel proud when people compliment her selflessness. But these people also don’t have to live with her and think about practical things. My wife complains that I’m not being supportive, but I’m just fretting over losing our housing subsidy, health insurance, and pension. How can I convince her to go back to her job or to only take one year off (balancing our personal interest with that of Chinese farmers)? Or should I just be happy that she’s working for a great cause?
Signed,
Married to Mother Teresa
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Married to Mother Teresa,
Kudos to you for breaking the gender stereotype (and for snagging a do-gooder for life). Your wife’s compassion is commendable. So is your willingness to make career compromises for the sake of your relationship. Since your wife has pulled out the “dream” card we know this NGO work is incredibly important to her. But your marriage is about making both sets of dreams work together. What is your dream? Is it to get your career back on track? Or do you want to have children and coach them soccer in the backyard? Whatever your life goal is, grand or microcosmic, it’s worthy of your spouse’s support. You have the right idea in backing her karmic good work for a year. Frame this discussion in the context of a longer life plan, using language that she can relate to (cue word, “Dream”). Talk about how each of you envisions the next two, five, and ten years so you can both decide which cards to trade today. Will she take three years of your unquestioned support in exchange for moving elsewhere to further your career afterwards? Or would she rather have one year off without having to give up living in Beijing any time soon? Talking things through now will help you avert the “I’m married to a starving bleeding heart” scenario.
Cheers,
Qi
I’m newly married and a new-age man. I’m a “house husband”, having left my job to join my wife in Beijing. This city was totally foreign to me but now I’m starting to appreciate the good things. Just as I’m settling in my wife wants to take time off from her job to pursue her “dream”, setting up an NGO to help rural poor Chinese. Her ambitions are admirable and I feel proud when people compliment her selflessness. But these people also don’t have to live with her and think about practical things. My wife complains that I’m not being supportive, but I’m just fretting over losing our housing subsidy, health insurance, and pension. How can I convince her to go back to her job or to only take one year off (balancing our personal interest with that of Chinese farmers)? Or should I just be happy that she’s working for a great cause?
Signed,
Married to Mother Teresa
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Married to Mother Teresa,
Kudos to you for breaking the gender stereotype (and for snagging a do-gooder for life). Your wife’s compassion is commendable. So is your willingness to make career compromises for the sake of your relationship. Since your wife has pulled out the “dream” card we know this NGO work is incredibly important to her. But your marriage is about making both sets of dreams work together. What is your dream? Is it to get your career back on track? Or do you want to have children and coach them soccer in the backyard? Whatever your life goal is, grand or microcosmic, it’s worthy of your spouse’s support. You have the right idea in backing her karmic good work for a year. Frame this discussion in the context of a longer life plan, using language that she can relate to (cue word, “Dream”). Talk about how each of you envisions the next two, five, and ten years so you can both decide which cards to trade today. Will she take three years of your unquestioned support in exchange for moving elsewhere to further your career afterwards? Or would she rather have one year off without having to give up living in Beijing any time soon? Talking things through now will help you avert the “I’m married to a starving bleeding heart” scenario.
Cheers,
Qi
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Dear Qi: Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
Dear Qi,
I am uniquely afraid. I am alone all nights. Sadly, I have no female companionship. Even Chinese women, who, my friends say, faun over foreign men, have eluded my wooing endeavors. I think I’m attractive and hilarious. I have no apparent faults except for one: I’ve been told that when I eat I move my mouth in a way that looks like a cow chewing cud. Consequently, I’m afraid to open my mouth. I do not want to be lonely. Either my wooing ways are failing or Chinese girls aren’t that easy to get. What should I do?
Signed,
Mister Lonely
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Afraid,
Have you recently moved to this country? Are you making normal (not female companionship) friends? It sounds like your first order of business in resolving a heightened sense of fear and loneliness at nights is to go out with some friends! Engaging in social activities will keep your mind occupied, so you don’t indulge in excessive analysis on the “What’s wrong with me?” question. It will also hone your social skills, whether it’s for wooing girls later or conversing about Chinese men’s soccer with a bunch of guys. I hear BookWorm and Starbuck’s are great places to make new English-speaking friends. If the above doesn’t work, your second step might be to see a therapist. Perhaps this “cow chewing cud” comment was delivered to you at a young age and has severely damaged your confidence in public? All the best in your friend finding endeavors!
Cheers,
Qi
I am uniquely afraid. I am alone all nights. Sadly, I have no female companionship. Even Chinese women, who, my friends say, faun over foreign men, have eluded my wooing endeavors. I think I’m attractive and hilarious. I have no apparent faults except for one: I’ve been told that when I eat I move my mouth in a way that looks like a cow chewing cud. Consequently, I’m afraid to open my mouth. I do not want to be lonely. Either my wooing ways are failing or Chinese girls aren’t that easy to get. What should I do?
Signed,
Mister Lonely
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Afraid,
Have you recently moved to this country? Are you making normal (not female companionship) friends? It sounds like your first order of business in resolving a heightened sense of fear and loneliness at nights is to go out with some friends! Engaging in social activities will keep your mind occupied, so you don’t indulge in excessive analysis on the “What’s wrong with me?” question. It will also hone your social skills, whether it’s for wooing girls later or conversing about Chinese men’s soccer with a bunch of guys. I hear BookWorm and Starbuck’s are great places to make new English-speaking friends. If the above doesn’t work, your second step might be to see a therapist. Perhaps this “cow chewing cud” comment was delivered to you at a young age and has severely damaged your confidence in public? All the best in your friend finding endeavors!
Cheers,
Qi
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Dear Qi: Take Me to the Candy Shop
Dear Qi,
Not too long ago I ended an 11-year relationship which left me exhausted, depressed, and with low-self esteem. I’ve been enjoying my new single life, going on dates with hot (and sometimes younger) men. It’s been a much needed ego boost to know I’m still wanted, but I’m not the kind to live free and single forever. I have a serious "suitor", an old acquaintance who flew into town after he heard about my divorce. He confessed that he has been in love with me since we met three years ago. I took a trip with him (we shared a hotel room but drew the line at snuggling) and now I’m torn. This guy is my intellectual soul mate -- everything about him appeals to me on a mental level. But I’m in my mid-thirties and he’s in his mid-fifties and I just don’t feel physically attracted to him. What should I do? At my age is it wise to put vanity aside and settle down with a good guy before the good ones are all taken?
Signed,
Desperate Divorcee
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Divorcee,
Congratulations on starting a new life! Right now you’re a kid in a candy shop with a pocket full of allowance money. You’re excited seeing all the colorful lollipops, sour candies, and jelly beans, knowing they’re now within your reach. But you’re also afraid to blow all your pennies on the wrong sweets. What if that boring looking candy bar turns out to be great? In fact, you know it’s great because your friend Sue was eating one last week, but today you really want to try the candied apple. What to do?
I say, “You’re not ready to do the right thing until you’re ready to do the right thing.” Even though you know Older Guy is “good for you”, you want to enjoy your selfishly irresponsible rebound life for a while. And you should. Better to get it out of your system now than to jump into a serious relationship prematurely, only to mess it up later on a moment’s temptation. It sounds like Older Guy is the patient type, so he’s not going to disappear any time soon. Take time to find yourself first -- figure out what the “right” balance between mental and physical attraction is for you. Maybe after some more rampant dating you will discover that you’d gladly trade in six pack abs for a coffee chat with an intellectual equal. Or, you may find out that physical attraction is paramount to keeping your interest alive and no amount of stimulating discussion can make up for lack thereof. These questions will be all be answered in due time. For now, no harm in trying that candied apple.
Cheers,
Qi
Not too long ago I ended an 11-year relationship which left me exhausted, depressed, and with low-self esteem. I’ve been enjoying my new single life, going on dates with hot (and sometimes younger) men. It’s been a much needed ego boost to know I’m still wanted, but I’m not the kind to live free and single forever. I have a serious "suitor", an old acquaintance who flew into town after he heard about my divorce. He confessed that he has been in love with me since we met three years ago. I took a trip with him (we shared a hotel room but drew the line at snuggling) and now I’m torn. This guy is my intellectual soul mate -- everything about him appeals to me on a mental level. But I’m in my mid-thirties and he’s in his mid-fifties and I just don’t feel physically attracted to him. What should I do? At my age is it wise to put vanity aside and settle down with a good guy before the good ones are all taken?
Signed,
Desperate Divorcee
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Divorcee,
Congratulations on starting a new life! Right now you’re a kid in a candy shop with a pocket full of allowance money. You’re excited seeing all the colorful lollipops, sour candies, and jelly beans, knowing they’re now within your reach. But you’re also afraid to blow all your pennies on the wrong sweets. What if that boring looking candy bar turns out to be great? In fact, you know it’s great because your friend Sue was eating one last week, but today you really want to try the candied apple. What to do?
I say, “You’re not ready to do the right thing until you’re ready to do the right thing.” Even though you know Older Guy is “good for you”, you want to enjoy your selfishly irresponsible rebound life for a while. And you should. Better to get it out of your system now than to jump into a serious relationship prematurely, only to mess it up later on a moment’s temptation. It sounds like Older Guy is the patient type, so he’s not going to disappear any time soon. Take time to find yourself first -- figure out what the “right” balance between mental and physical attraction is for you. Maybe after some more rampant dating you will discover that you’d gladly trade in six pack abs for a coffee chat with an intellectual equal. Or, you may find out that physical attraction is paramount to keeping your interest alive and no amount of stimulating discussion can make up for lack thereof. These questions will be all be answered in due time. For now, no harm in trying that candied apple.
Cheers,
Qi
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Dear Qi: Gay and Confused
Dear Qi,
I’m a gay man enjoying my newfound “out’ life in the big city. I’ve had my fun and am now looking for “husband material.” There’s someone I have in mind, but he’s been hesitant to commit to anything, including a kiss (pretty much the gay equivalent of “hello”). Talk about mixed signals! After three long dates over a month he asked me, “What’s going on with us?” I instinctively replied, “I’m having fun, how about you?” but he changed the subject. Since then, we’ve made no real progress. The latest is that he drunk dialled me to say he was jealous of a couple making out in the back of a club. I offered to come join him but we ended up just having pizza at 3am and going home alone. What is going on? I’d like to date him in a serious way (but not in this nun-like state of celibacy). Am I doing something wrong?
Signed,
Gay and Confused
---------------------------------------------
Dear Gay and Confused,
Wow, a kiss is the “hello” of the gay world? Straight people have been missing out! On first glance yours seems like a classic case of (sorry to put it so), “He’s just not that into you.” No man, gay or straight, would swap pizza for physical intimacy with someone he’s irresistibly attracted to. But, before you erase him from your phone book, the caveat here is that your guy did try to have a DTR (“defining the relationship”) with you. Now that’s serious stuff. Your ambiguous answer might’ve put him off. Maybe he thinks you’re out “having fun” with a lot of guys. I think what you have here is a rare specimen of a highly principled man who is looking for more than a few casual “gay hello’s”. You like him enough, so brave up for DTR Round 2. Tell him that you’d like to date him seriously and correct any mistaken impressions he may have about you. While you’re on the subject, might as well ask him about his boundaries on physical intimacy so you know what you’re in for if this heart to heart goes well!
Cheers,
Qi
I’m a gay man enjoying my newfound “out’ life in the big city. I’ve had my fun and am now looking for “husband material.” There’s someone I have in mind, but he’s been hesitant to commit to anything, including a kiss (pretty much the gay equivalent of “hello”). Talk about mixed signals! After three long dates over a month he asked me, “What’s going on with us?” I instinctively replied, “I’m having fun, how about you?” but he changed the subject. Since then, we’ve made no real progress. The latest is that he drunk dialled me to say he was jealous of a couple making out in the back of a club. I offered to come join him but we ended up just having pizza at 3am and going home alone. What is going on? I’d like to date him in a serious way (but not in this nun-like state of celibacy). Am I doing something wrong?
Signed,
Gay and Confused
---------------------------------------------
Dear Gay and Confused,
Wow, a kiss is the “hello” of the gay world? Straight people have been missing out! On first glance yours seems like a classic case of (sorry to put it so), “He’s just not that into you.” No man, gay or straight, would swap pizza for physical intimacy with someone he’s irresistibly attracted to. But, before you erase him from your phone book, the caveat here is that your guy did try to have a DTR (“defining the relationship”) with you. Now that’s serious stuff. Your ambiguous answer might’ve put him off. Maybe he thinks you’re out “having fun” with a lot of guys. I think what you have here is a rare specimen of a highly principled man who is looking for more than a few casual “gay hello’s”. You like him enough, so brave up for DTR Round 2. Tell him that you’d like to date him seriously and correct any mistaken impressions he may have about you. While you’re on the subject, might as well ask him about his boundaries on physical intimacy so you know what you’re in for if this heart to heart goes well!
Cheers,
Qi
Dear Qi: Yellow Fever
Dear Qi,
I’m an Asian girl and want to know what exactly qualifies as an Asian fetish. If a guy suffers from this syndrome does it disqualify his interest in me? I know deep down that I should do what feels right, but what if he only likes me for superficial reasons? I feel that we connect incredibly well but he also seems to have connected incredibly well with five other Asian girls in his recent romantic history. Should I be suspicious?
Signed,
No Yellow Fever
---------------------------------------
Dear No Yellow Fever,
It’s hard not to notice the abundant white men / Asian women (occasionally the other way around) pairings in every part of the world. What’s behind this and should you or I be worried? I say “No” (in most instances involving consenting adults anyways).
Attraction is attraction, whether based on physical or cultural attributes, or both. Selective attraction makes the more politically correct or sensitive among us nervous, but it’s still legitimate. I have friends who mostly date black men, be they African American, Jamaican, or Kenyan. Why should they be ashamed of their obvious attraction to certain physical traits? Do you know a girl who has fretted over her ample bosom, slim waist, or red hair drawing men in? We seem to second-guess the mystery of physical attraction the minute the traits in question form a clear racial set.
Cultural affinity is also a legitimate means of selecting love interests. I don’t find it shameful for a student of French language to enjoy the company of French women, or for a lover of Chinese art to find himself in a Chinese marriage. I myself had to discover what set of cultural traits appeal to me through trial and error, dating “full on Chinese” and “full on American” men before finding my favorite cultural mutt (a racially half Japanese-half German who is culturally fourth-generation Hawaiian-American).
Before we get too fussed up over “Is my boyfriend an Asian fetishist”, lets look at how we use this term. In the globalization age can we really diagnose “Asian fetishism” based on the color of his ex’s skin? I’m guilty of using this term too, but it’s just an easier (lazier) way of referring to the many couplings in Asia where I see one half (usually the man) in an unbalanced power position due to some financial, cultural, linguistic, or physical mobility not shared by the other half. Unless we’re talking about true objectification and fetishism (say, sweaty old men buying Japanese school girl erotica) it seems you would have to know a great deal about someone’s personality to label him “victim of yellow fever”.
As for your man, do you know what drew him to his previous romantic interests beyond the skin deep? How “recent” is his recent episodes with the other Asian women? Do you have a gut feel for whether he’s seriously dating women who happen to share some physical traits, or simply hooking up at random with anyone dark-haired and almond-eyed? I think you know deep down that there’s not much cause for worry. If you like him and he likes you (and he hasn’t asked you to dress up in knee-high white socks or act out demeaning fantasies), then put on your color-blind shades and just go with it.
*For some comic relief on this heavy topic, read The Onion’s satire, “Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle Aged Man Fetish.” http://www.theonion.com/content/news/asian_teen_has_sweaty_middle_aged?utm_source=onion_rss_daily
Cheers,
Qi
I’m an Asian girl and want to know what exactly qualifies as an Asian fetish. If a guy suffers from this syndrome does it disqualify his interest in me? I know deep down that I should do what feels right, but what if he only likes me for superficial reasons? I feel that we connect incredibly well but he also seems to have connected incredibly well with five other Asian girls in his recent romantic history. Should I be suspicious?
Signed,
No Yellow Fever
---------------------------------------
Dear No Yellow Fever,
It’s hard not to notice the abundant white men / Asian women (occasionally the other way around) pairings in every part of the world. What’s behind this and should you or I be worried? I say “No” (in most instances involving consenting adults anyways).
Attraction is attraction, whether based on physical or cultural attributes, or both. Selective attraction makes the more politically correct or sensitive among us nervous, but it’s still legitimate. I have friends who mostly date black men, be they African American, Jamaican, or Kenyan. Why should they be ashamed of their obvious attraction to certain physical traits? Do you know a girl who has fretted over her ample bosom, slim waist, or red hair drawing men in? We seem to second-guess the mystery of physical attraction the minute the traits in question form a clear racial set.
Cultural affinity is also a legitimate means of selecting love interests. I don’t find it shameful for a student of French language to enjoy the company of French women, or for a lover of Chinese art to find himself in a Chinese marriage. I myself had to discover what set of cultural traits appeal to me through trial and error, dating “full on Chinese” and “full on American” men before finding my favorite cultural mutt (a racially half Japanese-half German who is culturally fourth-generation Hawaiian-American).
Before we get too fussed up over “Is my boyfriend an Asian fetishist”, lets look at how we use this term. In the globalization age can we really diagnose “Asian fetishism” based on the color of his ex’s skin? I’m guilty of using this term too, but it’s just an easier (lazier) way of referring to the many couplings in Asia where I see one half (usually the man) in an unbalanced power position due to some financial, cultural, linguistic, or physical mobility not shared by the other half. Unless we’re talking about true objectification and fetishism (say, sweaty old men buying Japanese school girl erotica) it seems you would have to know a great deal about someone’s personality to label him “victim of yellow fever”.
As for your man, do you know what drew him to his previous romantic interests beyond the skin deep? How “recent” is his recent episodes with the other Asian women? Do you have a gut feel for whether he’s seriously dating women who happen to share some physical traits, or simply hooking up at random with anyone dark-haired and almond-eyed? I think you know deep down that there’s not much cause for worry. If you like him and he likes you (and he hasn’t asked you to dress up in knee-high white socks or act out demeaning fantasies), then put on your color-blind shades and just go with it.
*For some comic relief on this heavy topic, read The Onion’s satire, “Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle Aged Man Fetish.” http://www.theonion.com/content/news/asian_teen_has_sweaty_middle_aged?utm_source=onion_rss_daily
Cheers,
Qi
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Dear Qi: It's So Wrong It Must Be Right
Dear Qi,
I’m a nice girl looking for real love. I have friends who play by the rules (wait a day before you call back) and they have decent boyfriends. I’m always with the insensitive guys who tell me I could lose some weight (“just a little”), don’t introduce me to their friends (“it’s boy’s night”), and come over late night after they’ve partied. Right now I’m in a difficult relationship with a man who’s way older (lets just say his stylish outfits keep him from being mistaken for my dad), has a relationship history that has saddled him with “baggage”, and thinks calling me everyday interferes with his career. Every time I want to break things off I think, “If it’s so hard to be with him and I’m still in love it must be real.” In books and movies it’s always “real love takes hard work”, so am I with the right guy and just need to learn to work at it? Or am I with Mr. Wrong (again)?
Signed,
It’s So Wrong It Must Be Right
---------------------------------
Dear It’s So Wrong,
Here’s a simple adage for love – “Love Is Easy.” If it’s too hard then something is wrong and most likely will continue to be wrong for a long time. It will quietly and persistently bother you like a wobbly chair until, one day, things fall apart. Once in a girl’s life (or maybe a few times for the more dramatic members of my sex), it’s natural to want to indulge in a tumultuous affair, to feel like you’re the tragic heroine in an epic love story. But know when to stop. After you’ve experienced the tortuous romance, start following the simple rule. You’re right to say that couples who make it past the honeymoon period are in for plenty of hard work if they stay seriously committed. But if your guy can’t even bring himself to call you regularly, you’re not there yet. Remember, the falling in love part should be easy and fun. If it’s not, peel yourself off that squeaky chair and move on before it collapses on you.
Cheers,
Qi
I’m a nice girl looking for real love. I have friends who play by the rules (wait a day before you call back) and they have decent boyfriends. I’m always with the insensitive guys who tell me I could lose some weight (“just a little”), don’t introduce me to their friends (“it’s boy’s night”), and come over late night after they’ve partied. Right now I’m in a difficult relationship with a man who’s way older (lets just say his stylish outfits keep him from being mistaken for my dad), has a relationship history that has saddled him with “baggage”, and thinks calling me everyday interferes with his career. Every time I want to break things off I think, “If it’s so hard to be with him and I’m still in love it must be real.” In books and movies it’s always “real love takes hard work”, so am I with the right guy and just need to learn to work at it? Or am I with Mr. Wrong (again)?
Signed,
It’s So Wrong It Must Be Right
---------------------------------
Dear It’s So Wrong,
Here’s a simple adage for love – “Love Is Easy.” If it’s too hard then something is wrong and most likely will continue to be wrong for a long time. It will quietly and persistently bother you like a wobbly chair until, one day, things fall apart. Once in a girl’s life (or maybe a few times for the more dramatic members of my sex), it’s natural to want to indulge in a tumultuous affair, to feel like you’re the tragic heroine in an epic love story. But know when to stop. After you’ve experienced the tortuous romance, start following the simple rule. You’re right to say that couples who make it past the honeymoon period are in for plenty of hard work if they stay seriously committed. But if your guy can’t even bring himself to call you regularly, you’re not there yet. Remember, the falling in love part should be easy and fun. If it’s not, peel yourself off that squeaky chair and move on before it collapses on you.
Cheers,
Qi
Monday, October 12, 2009
Dear Qi: Cuddling the Coworker
Dear Qi,
There have been sparks flying and covert flirting between me and a coworker. To be honest, he’s not just my coworker but my “mentee”. I’m his “mentor”, the experienced colleague assigned to help him navigate office politics and locate the water cooler. I’m not worried about the mentor/mentee thing (he’s only a year younger than me and I’m not his real manager), but I’m hesitant to take things further because I’ve already had liaisons with THREE other coworkers. (One was only a kiss and the other two were just a few months of harmless fun). No one knows about my string of office flings but I don’t want to become “that girl” who hooks up with all the guys in the office. Should I keep things strictly (flirty) business with “hot mentee” or should I go for it, no holds barred?
Curious in the Cubicle
--------------------------
Dear Curious in the Cubicle,
Most of the time I hear about girls having the hots for a sexy boss; rare is the advice-seeker who pines for a junior coworker (Rachel Green’s crush on Hunky Intern aside). Kudos for bringing something fresh to the column, and for privately advancing the feminist agenda. After all, if everyone from the President to David Letterman has had fun with young female staffers, why shouldn’t we? Two things for you to consider here: why have you been so “lucky” with office men and what are you really worried about with getting involved with your mentee? It’s natural for young professionals who spend inordinate amounts of time together to develop romantic chemistry. Has there been something specifically and individually appealing about each of your three previous office flings? If the answer is “yes” then you don’t have much to worry about, except for company policy (read your employee handbook to make sure no serious repercussions can come if your office relationship is discovered). But if the main reason that you’ve made moves on these men is convenience (as in, they were simply there) it would be healthier to start carving out separate work and personal spaces. Go to the gym, walk in the park, meet guys outside of the conference room. As for “hot mentee”, your worry about becoming “that girl” seems to be self-inflicted judgment rather than public perception. Life’s too short for guilt-tripping – as long as you’re having fun, not taking advantage of minors, and keeping things discrete from 9 to 5 (or 9 to 9 as your case may be), there’s nothing wrong with going after someone who obviously reciprocates your feelings.
Cheers,
Qi
There have been sparks flying and covert flirting between me and a coworker. To be honest, he’s not just my coworker but my “mentee”. I’m his “mentor”, the experienced colleague assigned to help him navigate office politics and locate the water cooler. I’m not worried about the mentor/mentee thing (he’s only a year younger than me and I’m not his real manager), but I’m hesitant to take things further because I’ve already had liaisons with THREE other coworkers. (One was only a kiss and the other two were just a few months of harmless fun). No one knows about my string of office flings but I don’t want to become “that girl” who hooks up with all the guys in the office. Should I keep things strictly (flirty) business with “hot mentee” or should I go for it, no holds barred?
Curious in the Cubicle
--------------------------
Dear Curious in the Cubicle,
Most of the time I hear about girls having the hots for a sexy boss; rare is the advice-seeker who pines for a junior coworker (Rachel Green’s crush on Hunky Intern aside). Kudos for bringing something fresh to the column, and for privately advancing the feminist agenda. After all, if everyone from the President to David Letterman has had fun with young female staffers, why shouldn’t we? Two things for you to consider here: why have you been so “lucky” with office men and what are you really worried about with getting involved with your mentee? It’s natural for young professionals who spend inordinate amounts of time together to develop romantic chemistry. Has there been something specifically and individually appealing about each of your three previous office flings? If the answer is “yes” then you don’t have much to worry about, except for company policy (read your employee handbook to make sure no serious repercussions can come if your office relationship is discovered). But if the main reason that you’ve made moves on these men is convenience (as in, they were simply there) it would be healthier to start carving out separate work and personal spaces. Go to the gym, walk in the park, meet guys outside of the conference room. As for “hot mentee”, your worry about becoming “that girl” seems to be self-inflicted judgment rather than public perception. Life’s too short for guilt-tripping – as long as you’re having fun, not taking advantage of minors, and keeping things discrete from 9 to 5 (or 9 to 9 as your case may be), there’s nothing wrong with going after someone who obviously reciprocates your feelings.
Cheers,
Qi
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Dear Qi: Casanova or Romeo?
Dear Qi,
I think my neighbor is flirting with me and / or trying to get into my proverbial pants. You see, I’m a Canadian newly arrived in China. I’m afraid to make a move on my “friendly” Chinese neighbor lest she slaps me in the face for misreading signals. (Maybe her mumbling and hand stroking was just her culturally appropriate way of welcoming me to the apartment complex). On the other hand, if things go well with “friendly neighbor” I’m also afraid that I’d ruin my future chances at serious relationships with the expat women in my circle. (I hear single foreign women here are angry at single white men for only dating Chinese girls). My question is two-fold: What are some Chinese wooing practices I can try on my neighbor? And how do I get back into the good graces of foreign women if they find out I had a casual fling with my Chinese neighbor?
Confused Canadian
-------------------------------------------
Dear Confused Canadian,
You seem to be in quite a pickle, but the problem is simpler than you think. It isn’t that you are at a loss for how to woo Chinese women (not that different from wooing foreign women) or how to start a meaningful relationship with your female fellow expats. Your problem seems to be that you want it all. Qi doesn’t judge when it comes to love and lust, but the cardinal rule of successfully navigating relationship waters is “Know What You Want.” If what you want is a few months’ of rampant hook ups with Chinese girls who worship your English-speaking ways, then by all means, pick your protection and get busy. But if what you want is a serious relationship with someone who is your cultural, linguistic, and intellectual equal, then keep your goods tucked into your pants until you find someone who isn’t just an “easy” neighbor. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you can’t have it all, be both Casanova and Romeo. Once you figure out what kind of relationship you’re really after I’d be happy to give you some pointers. Happy soul searching!
Cheers,
Qi
I think my neighbor is flirting with me and / or trying to get into my proverbial pants. You see, I’m a Canadian newly arrived in China. I’m afraid to make a move on my “friendly” Chinese neighbor lest she slaps me in the face for misreading signals. (Maybe her mumbling and hand stroking was just her culturally appropriate way of welcoming me to the apartment complex). On the other hand, if things go well with “friendly neighbor” I’m also afraid that I’d ruin my future chances at serious relationships with the expat women in my circle. (I hear single foreign women here are angry at single white men for only dating Chinese girls). My question is two-fold: What are some Chinese wooing practices I can try on my neighbor? And how do I get back into the good graces of foreign women if they find out I had a casual fling with my Chinese neighbor?
Confused Canadian
-------------------------------------------
Dear Confused Canadian,
You seem to be in quite a pickle, but the problem is simpler than you think. It isn’t that you are at a loss for how to woo Chinese women (not that different from wooing foreign women) or how to start a meaningful relationship with your female fellow expats. Your problem seems to be that you want it all. Qi doesn’t judge when it comes to love and lust, but the cardinal rule of successfully navigating relationship waters is “Know What You Want.” If what you want is a few months’ of rampant hook ups with Chinese girls who worship your English-speaking ways, then by all means, pick your protection and get busy. But if what you want is a serious relationship with someone who is your cultural, linguistic, and intellectual equal, then keep your goods tucked into your pants until you find someone who isn’t just an “easy” neighbor. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you can’t have it all, be both Casanova and Romeo. Once you figure out what kind of relationship you’re really after I’d be happy to give you some pointers. Happy soul searching!
Cheers,
Qi
Dear Qi: Stockholm, Meet Beijing
Today I'm launching my "Dear Qi" column for friends, family, and strangers' irksome relationship issues. Send your queries to (qizhai at gmail). All posts will be anonymous. Read on for the first installment...
Dear Qi,
I’m a Swedish girl, with an older Chinese boyfriend who hasn’t read the female empowerment memo. I have none of the good things to be expected of a Swedish relationship (a guy who listens to and respects you) and I’ve quite involuntarily started to settle for material things (perhaps not unlike a Chinese mistress). We've been together for a year and I'm just not happy, but I keep hoping that he’ll tune into relationship equality. My friends tell me it's a lost cause, my mom says he's a bastard, and my father wants me to "put my legs on my back" (a Swedish expression for running away at great speed). Is there any reason to harbor hopes that things will change?
Best,
Swedish Girl in Beijing
------------------------------------------
Dear Swedish Girl,
The weather fluctuates, last year’s It Bag becomes this year’s fashion faux pas, but some things never change. If your boyfriend grew up in a more chauvinistic decade or has grown accustomed to amorous subservience from women, then it’s unlikely that things will take a U-turn from here. You’ve stuck with him for a year so he must have some redeeming qualities. Do you love him for his saving graces? perhaps he has a brilliant mind, washboard abs, or can fix a broken door hinge faster than you can say “snap”? If so, then have a heart-to-heart about the big issues that bother you and agree to compromise on some of the smaller things. Or are you still with him just for creature comforts? The latter is not worth it. You’ll get accustomed to substituting fancy meals for fulfilling conversations and a piece of bling for a lifelong soul mate. As your love grows staler your material wants will get bigger, leaving you both emotionally and financially drained. Better to break it off in this case and find a boy -- Swedish, Chinese, or other – whose feminist unfriendly behavior ends at opening doors for you.
Cheers,
Qi
Dear Qi,
I’m a Swedish girl, with an older Chinese boyfriend who hasn’t read the female empowerment memo. I have none of the good things to be expected of a Swedish relationship (a guy who listens to and respects you) and I’ve quite involuntarily started to settle for material things (perhaps not unlike a Chinese mistress). We've been together for a year and I'm just not happy, but I keep hoping that he’ll tune into relationship equality. My friends tell me it's a lost cause, my mom says he's a bastard, and my father wants me to "put my legs on my back" (a Swedish expression for running away at great speed). Is there any reason to harbor hopes that things will change?
Best,
Swedish Girl in Beijing
------------------------------------------
Dear Swedish Girl,
The weather fluctuates, last year’s It Bag becomes this year’s fashion faux pas, but some things never change. If your boyfriend grew up in a more chauvinistic decade or has grown accustomed to amorous subservience from women, then it’s unlikely that things will take a U-turn from here. You’ve stuck with him for a year so he must have some redeeming qualities. Do you love him for his saving graces? perhaps he has a brilliant mind, washboard abs, or can fix a broken door hinge faster than you can say “snap”? If so, then have a heart-to-heart about the big issues that bother you and agree to compromise on some of the smaller things. Or are you still with him just for creature comforts? The latter is not worth it. You’ll get accustomed to substituting fancy meals for fulfilling conversations and a piece of bling for a lifelong soul mate. As your love grows staler your material wants will get bigger, leaving you both emotionally and financially drained. Better to break it off in this case and find a boy -- Swedish, Chinese, or other – whose feminist unfriendly behavior ends at opening doors for you.
Cheers,
Qi
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