Dear Qi: Gay and Confused

Dear Qi,

I’m a gay man enjoying my newfound “out’ life in the big city. I’ve had my fun and am now looking for “husband material.” There’s someone I have in mind, but he’s been hesitant to commit to anything, including a kiss (pretty much the gay equivalent of “hello”). Talk about mixed signals! After three long dates over a month he asked me, “What’s going on with us?” I instinctively replied, “I’m having fun, how about you?” but he changed the subject. Since then, we’ve made no real progress. The latest is that he drunk dialled me to say he was jealous of a couple making out in the back of a club. I offered to come join him but we ended up just having pizza at 3am and going home alone. What is going on? I’d like to date him in a serious way (but not in this nun-like state of celibacy). Am I doing something wrong?

Signed,

Gay and Confused

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Dear Gay and Confused,

Wow, a kiss is the “hello” of the gay world? Straight people have been missing out! On first glance yours seems like a classic case of (sorry to put it so), “He’s just not that into you.” No man, gay or straight, would swap pizza for physical intimacy with someone he’s irresistibly attracted to. But, before you erase him from your phone book, the caveat here is that your guy did try to have a DTR (“defining the relationship”) with you. Now that’s serious stuff. Your ambiguous answer might’ve put him off. Maybe he thinks you’re out “having fun” with a lot of guys. I think what you have here is a rare specimen of a highly principled man who is looking for more than a few casual “gay hello’s”. You like him enough, so brave up for DTR Round 2. Tell him that you’d like to date him seriously and correct any mistaken impressions he may have about you. While you’re on the subject, might as well ask him about his boundaries on physical intimacy so you know what you’re in for if this heart to heart goes well!

Cheers,

Qi